Oh for the love of kittens, can people stop asking me this? For multiple reasons. One being it is hard enough to get out of bed every morning. Living day to day is a huge task. The fact I am in front of you talking and alive is a huge deal some days. Second….. I don’t want to tell you my real plans or goals. You won’t believe in me, I feel stupid enough even thinking it, even though this is no more unsure then anything else in life it is treated like it is.
Look, in five years I want to be at my own table at a con, I want to be selling paintings I’ve done, I want to have a small comic self printed, I want to be in the middle of a big art project that makes me happy. I want to be drawing and creating every day. That is where I see myself in five years if I am optimistic.
BUT!! Again, I’m not actually living somewhere that I can call ‘home,’ anywhere from a month or whenever I’ll be moved out again. Hopefully into a more permanent home. But I could be back in a trailer for awhile again. My art supplies are packed away in boxes, that I don’t really know where the specific boxes are, and even if I did, I’m not in a position to start a painting, or big picture.
It is hard to feel creative with my anxiety and depression weighing down on me, everyone else sees my art as a hobby, and when I am surviving (practically a good for nothing moocher) off those people it does matter what they think.
When I’m having a hard enough time believing in myself, how the hell am I supposed to be what I want when the world itself seems to be conspiring against me.
Getting a degree just to get a ‘real job’ is just as appealing to me as being a webcam model. Hell the only reason I’m not selling my body online is because (well I don’t’ think my christian mother would approve) I’m not exactly pretty enough to do so. (okay and the crippling anxiety might not help, but mostly… not pretty enough.)